PAGE ONE COMMENTARY: Bubbas Should Not Do Crime. They’re Just Not Very Good at It

WHAT WAS MONIQUE THINKING
WHEN SHE CHARGED A “RIDE ME
COWBOY” FANTASY COSTUME TO
HER SCHOOL DISTRICT CREDIT
CARD?

by Dennis Reeves Cooper

If you read Key West The
Newspaper online (kwtn.com),
you probably know part of that
site is an interactive blog— and
the readers’ comments often
add color and spice to the content
of the paper. And as you
might imagine, our page one
story last week about Monique
Acevedo’s use of her school
district credit card to purchase
“fantasy” costumes— such
as a “ride-me-cowboy” outfit—
generated more comments
than usual.

One of our readers observed,
“This is not atypical
behavior in Key West! I just do
not understand why everybody
is so surprised about it! Conchs,
in case you have not noticed, are
not exactly known as criminal
masterminds.”

Actually, we have noticed.
But we want to quickly
insert a disclaimer here. The
not-very-good-at-crime label
is not restricted to those who
were born here. And occasionally,
a crime-doer here actually
gets away with it in spite of
himself.

Cool on Wheels

MONTHLY CAR SHOW GROWING IN POPULARITY
The members of the Florida Keys Southernmost
Car Club will be holding their monthly Show
& Shine meeting this Sunday, October 18, at the
Sugarloaf Lodge on Sugarloaf Key, MM14.

For club members, these meetings provide
an opportunity for lovers of classic, custom, and
street rod automobiles of all years and makes to
get together and talk cars. But for everybody else,
these events are free car shows.

“If it’s cool and on wheels, it will be here,”
said club organizer Dick Moody, “including Fords,
Chevys, trucks, lowriders and chrome-loaded
motorcycles. It’s a great opportunity for parents
to bring the kids to see and enjoy these beautiful
relics of the auto world.”

The show opens at noon and runs ‘til 4 P.M.
Food and beverages are available.
The club welcomes new members. Info: Dick
Moody at 305-942-1758.

The City Commission Did What? They Changed the Date of Halloween?

IN THE PHOTO on page
1, the cute kids are Joanna Schoneck,
Jaimie Fisher, Daniel Schoneck,
and Samantha Fisher, in
costume for Halloween, 2008.

Hey, never mind that
October 31 has been observed
as Halloween since 731A.D.
(according to a quick Google
search), an apparently powermad
City Commission passed a
resolution last month changing
the date of Halloween in Key
West to Monday, November 2.
The rationale for the change is
that the Fantasy Fest parade, the
city’s largest adult street party,
is actually scheduled this year
on October 31. So, according to
the official city press release,
parents are being encouraged
to keep the kids inside that night.
In other words, hide the
children.

But as long as a press
release was going out anyway,
the Key West Police Department
took the opportunity to recommend
some additional common
sense safety tips:

• Though it’s highly unlikely
that anyone in our small
community would tamper with
trick-or-treat goodies, it’s still
a good idea to err on the side
of caution. Children should be
instructed not to eat any treats
until they’re back at home and
mom or dad has inspected them.
Parents should make sure that
candy wrappers are sealed. Fruit
or homemade items should be
thoroughly examined. If there
is any doubt, throw it out.

BITCHIN’ PARADISE: Respect the Breasts

by Kimberley Denney

Fun bags. Ta-tas. The
twins. There are at least 100
nicknames for women’s breasts.
A restaurant chain is dedicated
to them. The fashion industry
makes a gaziillion dollars helping
us push ‘em up, lift, separate
and stuff. Thanks to silicone,
they can even expand to unnatural
and gravity-defying
proportions.

I think women who pay
for their girls really like to show
them off more than those who
are not surgically enhanced. You
can be in a random ladies room
making small talk, somehow the
convo shifts to boob jobs and before
you know it, some braless
chick is lifting up her top and
imploring you to touch them to
see how real they feel. Which
is a really uncomfortable situation
to extricate yourself from.
I mean, on the one hand you
don’t want to be rude…but on
the other, you really don’t want
to touch your boss’s tits.

Breast worshipping really
kicks up into a frenzy during
Fantasy Fest week. Body
painting is a true art form,
and women of all shapes and
sizes shed their inhibitions
once they hit the island, walking
the streets topless day and
night…save for a sheer coat
of paint. And for a cheap set
of beads or 60, they’ll gladly
flash their bare breastices, or
stand topless in the midst of
dozens of men, cameras flashing
and camcorders well poised.
Who hasn’t nervously checked
Fantasy Fest websites and held
their breath praying they don’t
recognize themselves the morning
after?

College’s EMT Program Re-Accredited

The Florida Department of Health approved re-accreditation
of Florida Keys Community College’s Emergency Medical
Technician (EMT) program through September 2011. The EMT
program, part of FKCC’s Department of Allied Health and Nursing,
goes through the re-accreditation process every two years.
The department staff spent the summer compiling information
and documentations surveying every detail of the program’s
curriculum, instructor qualifications, student requirements and
test scores, and affiliated hospitals.

FKCC’s Emergency Medical Technician program, headed by
Coordinator Sheldon Goodman, is designed for persons involved
in emergency care of the sick and injured. Upon completion of
the 11 credit-hour curriculum, students will be eligible to take the
National Registry of Emergency Medical Technicians (NREMT)
for certification. Graduates find employment in agencies such as
city/county EMS systems, private ambulance services, hospitals,
clinics, physician/doctor offices, laboratories, fire departments,
and air ambulance services.

Want to Participate in Veteran’s Day Parade?

Key West’s 2009 Veteran’s Day Parade is scheduled for Nov.
11 at 4 p.m. and will run down Duval Street from United to Eaton.
Parade organizers are looking for entries and the deadline to apply
is Oct. 30. To apply, contact Coast Guard Lt. Kristin Kistler at
292-8818, 731-3776, or e-mail kristin.j.kistler@uscg.mil. Applicants
can also contact Coast Guard Chief Warrant Officer Mark King
at 292-8791, 360-1993 or mark.w.king@uscg.mil.

Glynn Archer Teacher Awarded $500 in School Supplies

The OfficeMax “A Day Made Better” program donated
supplies to schools around the country the first week
of October to take a stand against educator-funded classrooms.
Administration nominated teachers in their districts
to receive this unique honor. Holly Roblin, a Curriculum
Resource Teacher at Glynn R. Archer Elementary School, received
the award and approximately $500 in school supplies.
The selected teachers were rewarded nationwide with supplies
worth a combined total of $1.5 million.

National studies show that teachers spend about $1,200 a
year out of pocket for supplies. OfficeMax is one of the retailers
that help educators in today’s struggling economy with this
unique program.

LETTERS: Clothing Optional Beach Is a Good Idea

Dear Editor:

Recently there has been
discussion of a clothing optional
beach in Key West.

I believe it is a good idea
for several reasons. First, our
beaches are a disappointment
for many visitors, and are really
an under-utilized asset in Key
West. The Northernmost part
of Smather’s Beach and the section
of Higgs between the White
Street Pier and the Garden Club
are used by very few people
now, and would appear to be
the best choices.

Higgs Beach could be
used with minimal cost by
setting up screens on the side
of the White Street Pier and a
fence or privacy wall that runs
parallel to Atlantic Blvd. There
is already a parking lot next to
the Bocce Court that could be
staffed or automated to handle
roughly 100 cars a day at $5.00
for parking. A budgeted police
officer is already patrolling that
beach, and there are also spaces
there for bikes and scooters.
It is making use of valuable
oceanfront space that has been
virtually ignored by tourists
for years.

RHONDA: Back Fat and Other Gross Insecurities

by Rhonda Linseman-Saunders

After three weeks of car talk, it’s time for a chick
column. Guys, read on only if you don’t mind being
seriously disillusioned or if you want some honest
insight into the inner workings (of the mind) of a
rapidly aging woman. But I’m warning you, it’s not
going to be pretty.

While men tend to err on the side of overconfidence
about their looks and overall health at any
age, women tend to feel precisely the opposite. I hate
this reality and I want to change it, but it’s true for
too many of us.

We look back at old photos, remembering our
completely unwarranted insecurities at the time. In
retrospective awe of our taught skin, plump lips and
perky breasts, we say, “What the hell was I thinking?
If only I looked that good now— minus the bad perm
and mall bangs— I promise I’d realize and appreciate
it fully!”

Yes, youth certainly is wasted on the young. A
truer adage was never coined. And as I approach my
mid-thirties, I have many questions— far more than
the few listed here.

RICK BOETTGER: Cates Wins Nobel

by Rick Boettger

The non-Conch electorate of Key West really
socked it to the Bubbas by grabbing a stunning 23%
of the vote for non-Conch candidates in this month’s
city elections.

Yes, we non-Conchs garnered almost a third
as many votes as the Conchs did for their homies.
Non-stop Citizens Voice call-ins and numerous
articles in the daily paper and ours showed how a
passionate coalition of move-down Northerners and
second-home retirees were poised to finally stop
the Bubba machine. The last straw was uber-Bubba
Randy Acevedo’s escape from jail time. The outrage
boiled over. No more would the Conchs command
all, without retribution. We’d vote the rascals out!

NOT. Oh, so NOT. Afghani Karzai and Iran’s
Ahmadinejad, using blatant fraud, couldn’t match
our Conchs’ honest 77%. The Conch electorate consolidated
their Bubba power with an ass-kicking of
Biblical proportions, even in the worst of times for two
of their own, Randy and Monique. It showed that the
defeat of Conch Emperor Sonny McCoy was a fluke
due to a few hundred upper Keys Republicans who
are irrelevant in our City of Bones.