RHONDA: Whatie Who?

by Rhonda Linseman-Saunders

My husband was out of town last week, which means my daughter got to watch “American Idol.” Which means we caught the show that’s on directly after Idol (that night, anyway) starring Christian Slater. Slater apparently lives here on the rock now, at least part time. I know this because I thumbed through Oprah O!osterhout’s Conch Color a couple months ago and it happened to be The Christian Slater Edition. It was a series of photos of Slater, looking progressively annoyed, as I recall.

Regardless, I thought we should watch the new Christian Slater show to support the work of our island neighbor.The series is called “Breaking In.” It’s kind of funny–probably funnier if I’d been following the storyline from the beginning, but I didn’t know it existed until that night.

And frankly, I don’t need much of a plot to keep me watching Christian Slater. I don’t know or care if he’s gay. He could simply sit in a chair for half an hour pronouncing “s” words with “sh” while doing that crooked smirk/eyebrow thing, and I’d watch the whole thing. I have loved Christian Slater’s lishp forever, like since “Heathers” came out when I was thirteen.

MICHAEL BARNES: Terrorism: Part 3

by Michael Barnes

This column is the third and last on the root causes of the current terrorism acts, directed against the United States and her allies. It is best understood if the reader has also read the two previous columns. The first provided a historical perspective and the second examined the likely scenarios that may result.

The war against terrorism is more properly described as a war between the modern age and traditional Arab culture. It is not likely to end until Islam, especially radical Islam, embraces reform or has it forced on them. Forcing anything from the outside is usually more difficult than encouraging change from within.

What we hear in America, especially after the killing of Osama bin Laden, are more promises to attack. It seems that temporary cease-fires will be ineffective. From our standpoint, what the countries of Islam are going to have to do is to fix the root issues that cause the problems. Here’s a review.

FILM: What’s on at the Tropic

by Phil Mann

Another literary adaptation joins JANE EYRE and ATLAS SHRUGGED, which are held over.

It’s WATER FOR ELEPHANTS, based on Sara Gruen’s best seller about a sexy circus performer Marlena (Reese Witherspoon – Walk the Line, Legally Blonde), her sociopathic circus-owner/ringmaster husband August (Christoph Waltz – Inglourious Basterds), a wandering young veterinary student Jacob (Robert Pattinson – Twilight) and the very special elephant Rosie (Tai – Larger Than Life, Operation Dumbo Drop).

Just this list of characters makes it sound enticing. The circus is no fancy three-Ringling extravaganza, but a ratty, tatty, traveling show barely making it in 1931 hard times. When it loses its star animal attraction, a horse ridden bareback by Marlena, all seems lost, until August finds an elephant act and discovers that young Jacob has a way with these animals.

Bartender of the Week

Who is your favorite drink-server? Let us know!

RICK is a bartender at Rick’s Bar on Duval Street.

His specialty drunk is a World Famous Bloody Mary.

PAGE ONE COMMENTARY: Here Comes Hurricane Season— and this Year, we here at KWTN are Making our own Predictions

WE PREDICT THAT, IN ONE OR MORE LOCATIONS IN THE WESTERN HEMISPHERE, THERE WILL BE 15 NAMED STORMS, EIGHT HURRICANES AND FOUR MAJOR HURRICANES WITH WINDS OF 111 MPH OR GREATER.

SOME OF THESE STORMS MAY OR MAY NOT HIT THE FLORIDA KEYS

by Dennis Reeves Cooper

Hurricane season doesn’t officially begin for another couple of weeks, but we here at Key West The Newspaper want to get a head start. If you are a regular reader of this newspaper, you know that, every year, we point out to you how useless the hurricane predictions are by the so-called “experts.” Two of the most famous “experts” are those two guys from Colorado State University— Phil Klotzbach and William Gray.

For example, just before the start of the 2010 hurricane season, Klotzbach and Gray were telling us that there would be 11-16 named storms, 6-8 hurricanes and 3-5 major storms of Category 3 or worse.

OMG! Are we all going to die?!

But if you live here in the Florida Keys, you know what happened here— or what didn’t happen. Nothing happened. No hurricanes. Not one. Same thing during the 2009 seasons.

Guest Commentary: Untangling the Foreclosure Mystery

HOW THE DOG ATE MY MORTGAGE ASSIGNMENT— PART 2

by Matt Gardi

Part Doo because this is where it really starts to stink, and we’re all stepping in it.

If you recall last week I began to unravel the foreclosure mess that is invariably affecting every one of us. I began this series of commentaries to discuss how all of the economic ailments you are hearing about lately are intimately entwined.

Property values, court budgets, pension funds, robo-signing, tax base, foreclosures, and bank fraud are all seamlessly linked together.

Last week I described how main stream media covers this crisis superficially, and never gets to the meat of the story, while only touching on foreclosure “paperwork issues” the banks are having, and thereby omitting the holy grail of systematic fraud.

BITCHIN’ PARADISE: Friendly Faces and One Welcome Weenie

by Kimberley Denney

I’m never moving again.

Seriously. If for some reason someone wants to force me to leave my new house, they’re going to have to bring the sheriff along.

I love this place. Dead people make the best neighbors.

I don’t understand why people think it’s creepy to live near a cemetery, because it truly is the most peaceful place in the world. I say that because so far no one has been having any loud crazy sex on graves across from my house. At least not on my watch.

I also don’t have anyone living above me having loud crazy sex. Or an endless stream of crashers.

I Want my Betty Crocker Cook Book Back!

Estelle is in a pickle. Several weeks ago, on Saturday, April 7, she and her live-in boyfriend held a yard sale. It went really well, but the following Monday, her boyfriend was looking for his Betty Crocker Cook Book, which has sentimental value and more.

“I’m pretty sure that I sold it to the last people who came by— a couple and another lady,” said Estelle. “I would really like to get the book back.”

If you have the book, please email Estelle at starkywst@yahoo.com.

RHONDA: Saved

by Rhonda Linseman-Saunders

Some whales are dead. Osama bin Laden, too. Opinions are mixed about the deaths. Some say that actively interfering with whales stranding themselves is, itself, unnatural and wrong. Let them die, they say. Others say there’s no good reason all the whales in the pod should die just because they followed one misguided (probably sick) leader into dangerously shallow waters. Let them live.

I don’t know enough about it all to feel really strongly either way, but I have noticed that as I age, I judge things differently. In my idealistic twenties, (and even before that when I was a teenager/smartest person ever born), I made judgments about people based on how their intended outcome in a particular situation measured up against my own rigid idea of the right outcome.

Now, though, I’m more concerned with a person’s motivation to act. Obviously I’m talking about people who operate within reasonable ethical boundaries. Murderous acts of terror, for example, are not okay, from my perspective, even if the intended outcome is bringing humanity closer to the perpetrator’s (or s’) vision for the world. That applies, in my mind, not just to the sorts of actions borne around the globe that we currently and confidently label terrorism, but also to things like the cultural slaughter, enslavement, and balls out genocide that occurred right here, starting 1492ish.

O'BOYLE: The Biggest WMD of All

by Hal O’Boyle

Author’s note: This is from 2007. The Military Commissions Act is still in effect today. Bradley Manning is being tortured in prison for allegedly leaking embarrassing video of U.S. Army murders in Iraq. Though this was written during the Bush administration, the Change we were promised hasn’t arrived just yet.

“The practices of arbitrary imprisonments have been, in all ages, the favorite and most formidable instruments of tyranny.” ─- Alexander Hamilton

Since the events of 9/11/2001 particularly, but even before that, the shepherds of the Nanny State in Washington, D.C. have been insisting that our safety requires that the shepherds have ever greater authority over us. To keep us safe they need to know every detail of our financial, personal and private lives. We can never be safe until our bank, tax, telephone, internet, credit card, and medical records are fully available to the authorities.

Weapons of Mass Destruction (WOMD), you see, can show up anywhere. They can be smuggled into the very heart of the homeland by terrorists at any moment. The danger that terrorists might even posses WOMDs (let alone use them) is sufficient to justify a preemptive invasion of a country thousands of miles away.

Continue reading here.