PAGE ONE COMMENTARY: Love in Blue

The Continuing
Saga of Sex and Intrigue
inside the KWPD

by Dennis Reeves Cooper

We have reported to you
before about love and intrigue
inside our local law enforcement
agencies, the Key West
Police Depart (KWPD) and the
Monroe County Sheriff’s Office
(MCSO).

One of our favorite headlines
over the years was “Officer
Down,” a story about two
KWPD officers getting caught
having oral sex, in uniform, in
a patrol car. Just in case you’re
curious, one of the officers
was a man and the other was
a woman.

Another story involved
an officer who responded to
a camplaint that a man and a
woman were having oral sex
in a car outside a local store. He
reportedly stood outside the car
and watched them until they
finished, and then told them to
“move along.”

A couple of years ago, a
police lieutenant here made
the news when guards at an
upstate prison found a photo
of the officer on his horse in
a letter to one of the inmates.
It turned out that the two had
been long-time lovers— and the
inmate had asked the officer to
send a photo of himself on his
horsey.

College Gets Huge Gift To Develop Scuba Program

DIVING PIONEER’S FOUNDATION
LEAVES SCHOOL $1 MILLION

At a time where cut-backs are the norm, Florida Keys Community
College is able to announce monumental expansions and
improvements to its diving program, thanks to an unprecedented
$1 million bequest. The Florida Keys Educational Foundation, a
direct-support organization of FKCC, will recognize the generosity
of scuba diving forefather James E. Lockwood, Jr. during a
ceremony today, Friday, May 15, at 4pm at the Dive Lagoon on
the Key West campus.

The college’s school of diving will be named the James E.
Lockwood, Jr. School of Diving and Underwater Technology for
its historic benefactor.

The gift will enable FKCC to expand its already stellar
diving program into a nationally recognized curriculum that
will integrate marine science and diving to further support the
needs of local, regional, national and global constituents. FKCC
will offer workforce education and re-education in areas such
as underwater welding, hyperbaric medicine, port security,
aquaculture, coral reef mapping and restoration.

Attempted Suicide at Kmart

KWTN Team Report

A 26-year-old man apparently attempted
to kill himself in a restroom at
Kmart last week.

Police Officer David Kouri, responding
to a 911 call, found Stephen Bradford
Morris on the floor attempting to cut his
left wrist with a razor blade. Kouri reported
that Morris had already cut his right wrist
and was bleeding profusely.

According to the police report, Morris
continued to try to cut his right wrist even
after Kouri ordered him to drop the razor
blade. Kouri was able to disarm the man by
twisting his right arm until he dropped the
blade to the floor.

Key West Rescue arrived on the scene
and bandaged Morris’ lacerations. Morris
was then transported to the emergency room
at Lower Keys Medical Center.

Kouri reported that he was told by a
nurse at the hospital that Morris’ wounds
were superficial and that he would be
transported to DePoo Hospital for further
evaluation.

According to police records, Morris has
been living in Key West for about a year. He
listed his address as General Delivery.
The incident occurred shortly after 11
o’clock on Thursday morning, May 7.

KIMBERLEY DENNEY: Finally. Justice for Alligator Killer

Commentary by
Kimberley Denney

Tim Goll makes me sick.

But lest I sound prejudicial, so
do Jordan Milo, Theo Derleth,
and John Brice Langford. They
all inspire violent illness, in that
their actions make me want
to vomit, then shoot out their
eyeballs and beat them with
a baseball bat. I do believe in
justice, eye for an eye style.
Remember these jerkoffs?

In March 2006, they shot and
killed a Florida gator at Blue
Hole in the Key Deer National
Refuge. Wait, that makes
it sound almost accidental.

Sterile. Kid stuff. What they
did was bring out their shiny
high-powered .357 pellet rifles
and set off to Blue Hole with the
intent of catchin’ them a 400-
pound gator. Really impress
the chicks. This would surely
get them laid.

Derleth was the lookout.

Rhonda: Homosomnia

by Rhonda Linseman-Saunders

Sometimes I can’t sleep at night. Everybody gets
that way at times, I think. You know, when your body
is dead tired but your brain just won’t shut off. But I
don’t lie there thinking about real problems— I guess
that means I have a pretty good life. Instead, when my
brain goes on sleep strike, it keeps its synapses firing
with some incredibly useless garbage. Last night, for
example, my brain kept me awake until well past 1am
with a (drumroll please) “Hottest Gay Man in Key
West” contest. I wish I were kidding.

I guess it’s a good sign that, while I’m suffering
the tortures of insomnia, my brain won’t allow a “Hottest
Straight Man in Key West” contest.That must be
because there wouldn’t be much to think about. My
husband would quickly win every time because it’s
my brain, my contest, my rules.

It’s so odd, too, that such a contest would break
out in my head. I’m not even that good at knowing
a gay man when I see one. If my sister lived here, it
would be easier. It seems like every guy she adores
ends up being gay. But they were always gay–she
doesn’t turn them gay— I just want to be clear about
that. Besides, that would be silly; there’s no such
thing as becoming gay.

Rick Boettger: Don’t Tase Me, Bro’!

by Rick Boettger

I’m not worried about the police using their
new Tasers on me. Just don’t let Esteemed Publisher
Cooper borrow one, because I’m sure he’d like to use
it to fry my bicycling ass.

To recap: Two weeks ago Dennis raked us “stupid,
scofflaw bicyclists” over the coals for bad driving,
demanding we be re-educated and then nicked by the
police. He offered to print any counter-arguments,
and, true to his word, last week ran four good letters
by unrepentant scofflaws. I too technically break the
law, and I was going to use my space here to explain
why, but I decided it wasn’t right to pile on. Dennis
was so soundly thrashed by the correspondents, I feel
sorry for him. (Just kidding! He may be roasting them
in a response on this very page, for all I know.)

But Dennis’ ire made me fear the common impulse
in all of us to be righteously outraged at the sins
of others. It’s most trivial expression is in catching a
grammar error. Dear Abby once wrote that she got
the most mail—thousands of letters—every time she
slipped up. Think of thousands of people taking the
time to say “Gotcha!” with real passion, even anger,
over something of no meaning or importance—except
their own glorification and feeling of power.
That delicious feeling of power in being right is the danger. You’ve seen the
glint in people’s eyes, or felt the
fire of indignation rise in your
own throat, when lambasting
some evildoer, say a loud motorcyclist.

Yard Sale Will Benefit Music Program

PHOTO: MUSIC AT A YARD SALE— Steel drum is just one of the instruments
that entice Key West kids through the Bahama Village
Music Program. You can help the program by visiting our yard
sale on Saturday.

The only thing that could make a yard sale more fun is
knowing that community kids will benefit from its proceeds.
On Saturday the Bahama Village Music Program is holding a
yard sale to help support the array of opportunities offered by
the program.

The sale runs from 9 am until 3 pm at the Band Room of the
Douglass Community Center at the end of Petronia Street.
The Bahama Village Music Program, founded in 1999 to
honor music teacher Ellen Sanchez, has grown from its modest
beginnings in a closet of a school gym to become one of the city’s
most beloved programs for kids. These days over 150 students
participate in nearly 200 lessons a week.
Lessons are offered to kids from six to sixteen who live
anywhere in Key West. They explore many aspects of music, from
learning notes, rhythm, counting, tempo and style to perfecting
their performance skills in piano, guitar, violin, percussion, steel
pan, woodwinds, choir, dance, and juggling. Professional music
educators, adult volunteers and high school students teach private
and group lessons throughout the school year. Participation in
the program is free.

Organizers of Saturday’s yard sale are also accepting donations
of “stuff” to sell. Just bring it to the Band Room. For more
information on the Bahama Village Music Program, click on
http://www.bvmpkw.org.

Bicyclists Should Know the Law

Dear Editor:

I have read, with great
interest, the articles concerning
bicycles in Key West in the ‘Blue
Paper’. In my travels I have
found that most people follow
the local law IF they know what
that law is. In Key West there
are people that (1) sell bicycles,
(2) rent bicycles, and (3) repair
bicycles, but none of these
people have the Florida Bicycle
Law posted. Therefore these
tourist are riding anywhere and everywhere. Yet,by Googling
‘Key West Bicycle Law” I found
http://floridadrivers.com/
traffic_court/bicycle_regulations.

php/ . It clearly states that
in the state of Florida a bicycle
is a vehicle and must follow
all vehicular rules. It therefore
follows that if these people
that (1) sell, (2) rent, and (3)
repair bicycles were required to
post the Florida bicycle law in
there business and have there customers read the law before
releasing them on a bicycle,
Key West could solve most of
it’s bicycle problems. I for one
am tired of almost getting run
over by bicycles on the narrow
sidewalks of downtown Key
West. I also do not appreciate
bicycles going the wrong way
on one way streets, or running
red lights, etc.

Doug Bennett
Key West resident

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Bicycle Safety Rodeo Saturday

The City of Key West, the
Community Traffic Safety Team
and Monroe County Office of
Safe and Healthy Schools have
teamed up to provide The Jim
Malcolm Memorial Bicycle
Safety Rodeo on Saturday, May
16, 2009. Your child is invited
to participate in this free event.
This will be an entertaining
activity for elementary-school
aged children to learn about
and practice safe bicycling
skills.

Please bring your child’s
bike and helmet with you if
possible. There will be a safety
check of your child’s bike by
local Bike Shops followed by a
series of skill stations directly
related to everyday bicycling
situations. For children that do
not own a helmet; there will be
a limited number given away
while supplies last. The Key
West Police Department will be
at the event and able to register
the bicycles.

Musical of Musicals at Waterfront Playhouse

The Waterfront Playhouse
will close their smash 2008/09
season with the Off-Broadway
hit, “Musical of Musicals, the
Musical!” This hilarious spoof
of Broadway musicals, which
runs through May 23, gives the
audience five great shows for
the price of one, a great deal in
these economic times.

The authors have taken
one story-line and created five
delightful musicals in the styles
of Rodgers and Hammerstein,
Stephen Sondheim, Jerry Herman,
Andrew Lloyd Webber
and Kander & Ebb. The New
York Times raved, “Real Wit,
Real Charm. Great fun.”